too bad you can't see the clap by looking at her face.
she is a standing ovation.
My parking ticket this morning was 30bucks. I feel like I'm paying the city to fuck you.
you have to choose: penises or morals?
it must be christmas time, i've got a hankering to give a virgin a baby....
I have 11 glasses of water and one beer on the table infront of me. Have to keep going to different bartends to get more. There are only two though and I think they've caught on
sooo my mom just yelled up the stairs " you left your bowl down by the computer"....aaand for a second I forgot cereal bowls still existed
I'm cleaning my bathroom. That being said I found a klonopin and dropped it and stepped on it. Floor is clean im gonna snort it.
Dude you went around coming up behind people and whispering in their ears. I dont know what you said but they looked terrified when you left.
Just found my socks folded and in the back pocket of my jeans. Apparently drunk me refuses to lose shit after the panties incident over New Years.
His cat kept scratching my feet while we were having sex. There's only room for one pussy around here. It also concerns me that he owns a cat.
I'm eating a subway sandwich in the bathtub because I don't want to move. God bless boys from Brooklyn
I encourage you to ignore feeling. Drinking more helps
Ya know, one would think a restraining order would keep me from fucking my ex.
just realized we fucked to the ultimate disney playlist last night. hakuna matata.
What’s the best way to find out if he’s into anal?
I think you have the wrong number, but good luck with that
Randomize
