overheard a conversation between 2 lesbians: 'back when I used to have dick sex...' oh, vegas, I so heart you
He locked about 20 beers in a suitcase and put it in the fridge. For a complete idiot, he's a goddamn genius.
there's a sign at taco bell and it says "bacon and ranch make everything better." it speaks to me.
Why hello there Olivia! How are you today on this fine and most wonderful morning full of magic and adventure and awesomeness?
Someone just got laid.
fuck. I just remembered I agreed to let you finger me last night for solely for "scientific purposes"
they're like a gay fantastic four
I went online and donated $30 to his walk-a-thon as a "sorry I puked in your bed last night"
I showed up to a booty-call in my onesie pajamas and rubber boots
The bottle of Jameson may have been a bit aggressive for a Sunday cookout.
I'm sorry I never said I wasn't coming home last night. To my defense I did type and send a text, only I was too drunk to realize I sent it to the guy I was with instead of you.
Would you still love me and fuck me doggie style if I had a dinosaur tramp stamp?
Yeah! Just remind me to. I'll also bring the blow up penis
Good news y'all just straight up snorted 2 adderall and I'm not a real being on this plane of existence anymore and I'm ready for finals
He caught me mid-escape...one leg out the window, bra n thong in hand.I just looked at him and said "Bye Now" n proceeded to fall out his window....then.... tell me why he texted me 30 min later to make sure i got home ok! #igotthis
Why are there naked heterosexuals in my apartment?
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