I look better un-naked...
After she threw up on my floor she started singing "this is why I'm hot."
Just saw a woman walking a golden retriever and a vacuum down the road. I miss downtown.
We did naked snow angels in 14 degree weather, you can't tell me you had more liquor at that party
If i ever have a kid with an outie i'm giving it up for adoption
She said we "made love." I had to explain to her that when both parties agree that the first time time they have sex both people agree to video tape the whole thing its not "making love" but more like random good time fun sex.
I let my daddy issue flag fly free last night.
We will go to karaoke
Okay, well, i'm covered in paint, haven't showered & have already been drinking, so if I fall on the floor in a blaze of depeche mode & beer tears, you can't pretend you don't know me
You rubbed a frozen pizza in my face. The concerning part was that it was semi cooked from our body heat
I was gonna drive but when i tried to use telekinesis to get my keys, I knew I shouldn't be driving
This Christmas I would like to thank Jesus for cocaine.
sorry for the random call. He stopped mid-sex because he wanted confirmation that I was really a reverend.
A stripper set a mans ass on fire... the club smelled like burning ass and boxers.
I duct taped a bottle of vodka to the back of your closet while you were sleeping in case of emergencies. Go rip it off, it's going to be a long night.
Guess who just stumbled into work hungover, wearing yesterday's clothes, covered in hickeys and glitter, and carrying a giant bottle of rum in her purse.
I just took plan B at work.
This is the greatest story of all time.
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