my mom just called and warned me someone is trying to serve me, i feel like i'm playing an extreme game of hide and go seek these next weeks
Sitting next to a retarded hot married man on the plane, I got 6.5 hrs to homewreck this shit.
I'm paying a homeless guy $20 to follow me around bars tonight with a boombox playing the theme to Rocky.
I am way too high for this. Some guy just keeps talking about music and life goals and he apparently has lived in every city we mention we are going
Shame should no longer be a word in your vocabulary.
Dont even bother asking why she was dancing with him on top of a door, let alone how the door ended up being used as a table.
I've ID'd the nipple biter.
what's the name of the guy at the bank you blew to get the lower interest rate?
um. wrong number, but good luck with your loan
In the UK. Bar special, every drink costs a pound. I'm two shots away from being deported. God save the queen.
#1- I went to button my shirt only to find they were all mising. #2- I'm so fu@king sore I feel like I was sweating to the oldies all night. #3- this pounding headache I have, I blame solely on Jennifer. Everyone sounds like Billy Mays when they talk. I remember nothing from last night, I'm concerned.
Um, you were throwing up the shocker symbol in front of all of the wedding guests during the best man's speech. No wonder the groom thinks we're bad
I feel like the universe head butted me in my balls. That hungover.
.... My lady balls. Cuz I'm a lady.
Didn't shower and drew a couple dicks on my face before I went to work. Boss sent me home. Sacrificed my dignity for a 3 day weekend with you guys.
thats all i want out of life, to get high and watch weiner dog races
I look like a hot mess, emphasis on the hot now, more emphasis on the mess later
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