So in our children's lit class, some jackass little boy had gone thru the where's waldo book and circled waldo. I realize you would have been that kid.
she told me she sucks everyone's dick but mine because mine is too big and "hard to suck" i need to reevaluate the girls i fall in love with.
I've never heard a "this is the reason why i dont suck your cock" explanation go in that direction
it's like god just wants me to be high for five days in a row. keep the blizzards coming.
There is a slip-n-slide in the hallway and a girl just did it topless cuz I told her it was my birthday. Where are you?
Apparently, we were running around the apartment, singing into pickles, the routinely slapped our passed out friends with them.
I am compiling a playlist that reminds me of all my best sexual encounters. It shall be called THE MUSIC OF MY VAGINA'S PEOPLE
Just found dollar bills in my sheets. What part of the weekend am I forgetting?
I think I'm crying more because after all these years he never learned to spell you or use a comma properly from me
I think my nap took me to another dimension
Getting drunk in an Applebee's pray for me
Lord god protect this child
So I've been spending my morning trying to figure out if there's a corealation between Wednesday margarita night and the boat that's now in my living room.
I woke up in someone's flat in Budapest and then got offered a free piercing before I left. Best. Hookup. Ever.
I went out with a plan. I came home with a Brian. THIS WAS NOT PART OF THE PLAN.
My sister just poured me a dbl Ciroc on the rocks and said "the ice makes it festive." Honestly what a role model.
This is the difference between me and him; he buys you flowers, I buy you a dildo
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