This is your typical "sorry i got drunk and tried to seduce you into having sex while you were throwing up" text.
Her vagina was like a man-sized safe.
I think I have a pornographic memory.
Don't you mean photographic?
No.
The first sip always goes straight to my vagina.
Breakfast is bomb, yo. McDonald's before ten thirty is like Katie Holmes before Tom Cruise.
There's a lady carrying her kids toy animals in a crown royal bag. Mom of the year.
I just made doing the dishes into a drinking game. crafty, or pathetic?
I've decided, even as much fun as it sounds, I don't care for his sodomy box.
I want nothing more to get stoned and go to your little sisters petting zoo party but I need to have priorities
Dear Derek. I would like to offer my sincerest apology for the 2 to 6 text messages you are about to read. Also for the 15 minute voicemail, which may or may not have sent. Sincerely, Sober Katie
After he came all he could say was how great the lighting fixtures where in my apartment.
We celebrated our relationship by shotgunning beers on his lawn in our underwear. I may have to marry this man...
She's passed out laying in the middle of the street. Cars are honking at her and going around her body. We need to stop playing BONECRUSHER.
Yes we can sext. I'm taking my socks off.
I haven’t been this excited since I found out they sold cases of Jack Daniels.
Randomize
