the girls im babysitting are trying to see how much jello they can swallow without chewing...their future boyfriends are lucky
I just got while a charlie horse while orgasming...most confusing feeling ever...
Can you check your dirty laundry bag for my tooth.
The night started going down hill when she shot the cashier in the face with the confetti gun we bought at 711.
I've had more sex in the two weeks since we broke up than I ever had in any two weeks we were together.
No, she passed out instead. I have the worst luck, its like Jesus is mad at me for having the same birthday as him
when life gives you lemons, puke and rally.
This guy either needs to stop touching me or buy me another drink.
I miss the days of selfishly blowing a load in the condom without her knowing and acting all like "we shouldn't do this" so she would get dressed and leave.
I wasn't concerned until I realized he was using the vase my birthday flowers came in as a " big glass" for his 151 and coke.
Dad just showed up on someone else's golf cart, filled an ice chest with booze and left while yelling "SHINANIGANS!!!!" this is going no where fast.
Reasons I shouldn't drink... My twitter drafts keep getting more and more emotional.
She invited us over for cocaine and donuts
It's technically 2016 but since I haven't gone to bed I'm still counting it as 2015, so I'm gonna drink all the alcohol in my house so tomorrow I can become the better version of myself that I'll be for 5 minutes.
got a free grilled cheese. Didn't even have to talk about Jesus
Randomize
