Riding home in a carseat. Worst. Night. Ever.
Changing from sweatpants to jeans at 3 in the afternoon makes the day seem so much more productive than it actually was.
i would eat my own dick if it were covered in nutella
She handed me a mouthguard and said "here, you're going to need this" that rough.
He's spent his last 3 years working at Urban Outfitters. No, I'm not sad I missed out on a life of mustaches, the dollar menu and shitty scarves.
I don't know if it's lucky or if it really just makes my tits look THAT good, but I've never NOT gotten laid with this bra on
Imagine getting smashed in the dick by a basketball. A basketball made of metal. With spikes. That's pretty much what his dick looked like.
He said "just hugs" and ran away screaming.
So it may have been laced, sue me.
rollerskate sex sounded like a good idea...
At least is you came to Milwaukee to visit me you'd get the best mind blowing sex of your life and free wifi. Who doesn't want free wifi!
I made out with the uber driver for free weed, I thought he deserved it
He left cushions on my floor, chocolate on my bra and unexplained scratches on my thighs. I think this one might get a second date.
There’s a special place in hell for tall guys with small dicks
You want further proof that God hates me? Okay. We're on the way to the ER. A homeless man stabbed me at the gas station.
andy told me i got kicked out of the bar and was so drunk i forgot and got back in line. the bouncer was zero impressed
Randomize
