Today at work while talking to my co-worker we both realized at the same time that last year I had a one night stand with his roommate and he was in the living room drinking coffee when I did the walk of shame. YAY.
it was the least impressive dick i've ever seen... and i've changed babies' diapers.
You can't date a girl from every country.
I'm the captain planet of women
sitting in room practicing taking shots. has my life come to this?
My 8 year old wants to name our new cat "fur burger". how do i explain that this is not really appropriate?
Nothing says "This dudes gotta go" better than a boner on your back waking you @ 5 in the morning
Just walked by a group of guys calling out walks of shame with a mega phone from their front porch.
Did you get your crutches off the street sign?
I couldn't stop laughing at the fact he was cutting lines with a sears card. What 24 year old has a sears card?
Just made a bong out of a pineapple. So yes.. And champagne is about to be popped
Turns out the bartender I fucked is the bar owner. WHY THE FUCK DO I PAY FOR HALF MY DRINKS? IS SEX NOT TIP ENOUGH?
Our nipples touched last night. It was tender.
You know you've found a good drug dealer when he's willing to overnight mail to you in another state...
Mass text: dear whatever jerk off who thinks they stole drugs from me. It was birth control. Go fuck yourself. And pray that I don't get pregnant.
Who puts their birth control in a bottle with a smiley face?!
Oh fuck wait
Is it too much to ask to have a life partner who has both male and female sex organs that looks cute and sounds like a female Antonio Banderas and likes to get weird?
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