oh God, I have a dick of a middle schooler
Last night she showed me how to clean my bowl and now she's drunk making peanut butter filled cookies. Best. Roommate. Ever.
my mom just asked if she should wash your furry handcuffs with the lights or darks
I just did the math. 30.36% of girls I've slept with have cheated on a significant other while doing it.
She's pathetic and vulnerable..and short. Thats his type.
Every time I roll over in bed I land on a different vibrator. I feel I'm the only one with this problem.
I passed out with my wizard stick taped to my hands and got woken up being poked with a St. Bernard
Drunk logic "let's go outside in front of the bar to get sick"
You know you're too drunk when you start calling people out for unfollowing you on social networks.
So I spent all night thinking my bed was floating down a river and telling the cats to get on the bed because they were going to float away. Percocet is strong shit.
Can you get snapchat back so I can show you all the places I threw up in/on last night?
Incase you were wondering. Cooking naked turns into sex. Sex and cooking may lead to house fire....
FYI, his "son" is a Chihuahua.
Thanks for leaving me with drunk gabby
Hahahaha why what's happening?
She's sending me morse code through the wall....typical
Whoever was the bastard/bitch/genius who duct taped my keys to my dick so I wouldn't lose them. I hate you.
Randomize
