So I just opened the bag you gave me and those panties aren't mine...
oh
my facebook friend requests are always from girls of boyfriends i have fucked, facebook is the worst reminder of shame
she is the female version of PC from the mac and pc commercials..i'll still hit tho
Miss Michigan hasn't even been Miss USA for 24hrs and already stripper pole pics are surfacing. Classy.
Dude. Apparently I just smoked some stuff that's used for Nigerian spirit quests.
The fact that he just came out makes his Lent commitment to give up gay sex so much more meaningful now.
Seriously, I am going to crawl in a hole, sew my vagina shut, and spit acid on any man that comes near me.
I saw pigeons eating ur dried up puke today. Last night was fucking great
How long is enough time to schedule homosexual exploration... Like an hour?
Hey can you send me a copy of my mugshot? I need it to prove a point
He's only giving you free adderall so you can focus on his dick.
I'm rolling and just noticed that the thread count on these sheets is horrendous.
It was kind of like hidden Mickey ears, but with dicks.
Note to self: make sure the door is locked before the handcuffs go on.
No but seriously. Just had a guy lean over and sniff my head like it was a freshly baked pie
Randomize
