I was in the bathroom and heard my brother scream "YOU FAIL!!!", and I swear to GOD, I thought my penis was yelling at me.
she did the YMCA with her lgs... i think she forgot she wasnt wearing any underwear
she just totaled her parents new car because there was a bee in the car. So she crashed into a light pole to kill it.
He wore my sunglasses on his honeymoon..... so there's that.
I was trying to be a bartender for my boyfriend and his friends last night, but I was too drunk so I just kept bringing them ice cubes in my hand.
Fun fact of the day: Our cat does not like rum.
We went to the casino to try to earn enough money to go to new Orleans comfortably. I'm already drunk. This is a horribly immoral start to summer.
What's more awkward than your little brother in law screaming, "I SAW YOUR TITTIES" at the breakfast table?
His step dad chiming in on the jokes.
I've decided he is effectively a mouth, hands and cock held together by bad ideas and compliments, and I'm OK with that.
And please let him know I don't normally go off on long rants about feminist theory. That was totally the vodka talking.
Why do I feel like I need to drink to feel better about the things I do when I'm drunk
I just saw someone dressed as a bear leave your house on a motorcycle. I guess you guys are having a good time.
Like don't initiate a threesome when we're all watching SPONGEBOB. That's like sacrilege.
My liver needs me to go back to work asap.
i wish he'd fuck me as good as he is at karate.
Randomize
