Nobody needs to come anywhere. Except on your face.
There needs to be a newsfeed for phones... A list of all my drunken calls, texts, BBMs, new contacts, pictures sent AND received, all in chronological order.
So, I found out he was eating a jolly rancher while eating me out.. Hence the yeast infection.
Getting stoned at work has never been a good idea, but im always more than willing to give it another chance
If I puke off the kayak tomorrow think nothing of it.
You yelled "I gave my neighbor some of my bitch sauce" and then passed out. You now have drinking limits with us.
Don't mind me. My boyfriend is carrying me because I'm broken not because I'm drunk.
It's not even 9:30 yet..
I feel like I've asked you "are you okay?" one too many times in the last 48 hours. You're hopeless.
He had a step stool to get in to his bed!
i woke up with 5 inch heels locked on my feet and my car keys missing. this is gonna be an interesting walk home
At least you didn’t announce to an entire bar you’ve eaten pussy, and then knocked your beer over.
Bro I needs to be rescued in 30 mins...prfeebly someone died in a car accident needs to be the excuse
Bring me your tired, your weary, your buffalo chicken dip
We're gonna start a pole dancing competition or a bar fight. Stand by for results.
dude. i woke up on a random lawn wearing only my boxers, with all my clothes hung in the branches of a nearby tree... no more shrooms
Randomize
