Last-second stop at the drug store for lube and condoms. Clerk said "So uhmmm...that's a done deal, huh?"
High five!
my boyfriend just named your boyfriend's penis.
So I just went home and made my own spanx by cutting the legs off of a pair of nylons. I'm either a genius or missed my calling to live in a trailer park.
Are you okay?
Don't worry. Self-respect preserved. My speech was Grey's quality... I made him cry.
He just knocked over the beer pong table... I haven't seen so much fail in one room since I watched "Mall Cop" with my grandma
now you know why we've never bought a 12 pack of king cobras before.
someone just sent me a bong wrapped in christmas paper in the mail. signed 'santa'.
Please tell me why there is some girl tied to our toilet?
I heard about the break up and if you need a place to stay my vagina is open for you 24/7
Im dating a 38 year old who's lap I can fit in. Tell me I don't have daddy issues.
i wasnt laughing because you were puking, i was laughing because three yards away there was a couple seriously getting it on
continuing my moment killer tradition in the best possible way
I got whiskey, so I think the blizzard and I are at an even match
Two days later and my throat is still sore. That bong is a double edged sword.
You threw up at the outdoor bar and it was pretty...astonishing just how much can come out of such a small human.
I swear, I make more use of my creative writing major with sexting than I do with anything else
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