just survived the first fart of the relationship.
she thought don quixote was a type of tequila.
he showed up at my house with a hand-stiched sweater that said "girlfriend?"
I hope there's a soldier with a Bedazzler just going to town right now.
Math equation of the day: 4 waffles + 1 bowl of weed = 1 terrific nap
I got laughed at by a homeless guy in a Daniel Boone hat. I have no clue what this means for my day
Her fortune said that she will soon be free. She's taking her bra off at the table.
The best part about this city is obvious. Someone saw me crouching by a bar pissing in my leftover Panera bread bowl and they just winked.
We are in Florida for 3 days. The people in charge of shit brought: a waffle maker, a cheese grater and a SEWING MACHINE
AND NO VODKA
apparently while i was high i thought that putting a dinosaur temporary tattoo on my inner thigh would keep me from taking my pants off and having sex with him...
...it didn't...
Oh like it's the first time I've had a bowl of wine
I was gonna jerk off, but then I thought about that movie last night and it killed that idea. I have serious boner trauma.
we were having a conversation about big dicks and the chick at the table beside us turned to us said "me and my boyfriend just broke up a few days ago. Could you please NOT talk about big dicks"
You're either getting fucked or a coupon to Friendly's. I haven't decided yet.
I woke up this morning to my panties draped around the neck of an empty bottle of bulleit. That is the perfect visual metaphor for my life at this juncture.
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