I'm like a new puppy, everybody wants to touch me
My new apartment is within walking distance of both the liquor store and the chinese buffet. This is either going to be my worst life choice ever or my best.
On the quad today: An amish choir singing something weird, and not 30 feet away 3 girls tanning topless. Definition of diversity.
She told me she needed to clarify that we are not fuck buddies, we are best friends that have sex once in a while
I'm gonna wear that dress that makes me look like a slut. You know, the one your sister got arrested in.
I have a beer in one hand and a slim fast in another. It's another one of those wednesday nights.
Someone woke me up and gave me a sprite and some pills. I put them in my belly button. Trust no one.
So we'll go out later for condoms and cake batter... aka grocery shopping for champions.
I needed a test subject that didn't know any of my friends so that if i screwed up no one would really know or spread rumours about how it was the worst bj ever
He seems to have a lot of things figured out and most of the answers involve bourbon
You broke the end off a wine bottle, ran outside and screamed "FOR NARNIA!!"
Worse: texted mom-in-law by mistake that I sharted.
Worser: she offered to clean me up
New fuck buddy and long time fuck buddy are carpooling home for thanksgiving. #10hrconvoaboutmyblowjobskills
That cat I follow on Facebook beat cancer so we're drinking tonight in celebration
Highlight your past hook-ups. You've been stabbed, shot at, run over, and chased down the road...no you can't bring new bar bitch over here!
Dude she has a friend!!!!
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