More dangerous that a broken heart and a shotgun.
Just saw a girl that looks like Michelle Obama and Im strangely aroused by her. Does that make me a democrat?
he's chasing his jose cuervo with hot tub water
your suggestions for charades were, getting sucked into an aircraft turbine, getting raped by a dolphin, and having sex with a vacuum cleaner. you got your own, and actually used a vacuum cleaner as a prop.
she was laying naked in the stream looking for "ribbays", which is apparently drunk for frogs.
My wrist bandage is guacamole stained. What an accurate representation of my life as a whole
Just violated the laws of fuck-buddyship and talked to him about my personal life. I don't like it.
Woke up to pictures of me cooking wings with a blow torch.
Barack Obama mentioned plan B and suddenly this address seems a lot more personal
This theraflu would make for a great margarita.
I can make a sudafedarita
He doesn't belong with God. He belongs face-down in a pile of his own excrement, vomit, blood and semen. Then pissed on by Satan.
Steve, that episode of cops where your dealer rear-ended that family is on again.
In other news: I massively over-caffeinated this morning. Everything is vibrating and I can SEE THROUGH TIME
Company meeting and there he was. Felt a little weird like 'last night you were telling me how your dick loves me, and now we're listening to a report on sales figures'.
I remember waking up on the bathroom floor and seeing my teeth behind the toilet
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