had a convo with my professor before class while peeing... new level of awkward or a breakthrough in our relationship? i feel like there is no longer a professional boundary.
so I made out with a lobbyist last night. im officially a resident of D.C
If I wanted to fuck someone, I'd go for John. I'm meeting Bryan cuz I wanna get to know him better. And eventually fuck him. But not this Tuesday.
the problem with open bar is i never know what to get
did you really just start a sentence with "the problem with open bar is..."
Also, your vagina needs a time out and let your brain have a chance to make decisions.
he ate me out like he was chugging a beer.
U can find me on my couch hungover eatin tuna evaluating my life
He wouldn't let me put a red handprint on his face or scream to him everytime he walked away.
Why did you want to do any of that?
If someones last name is Wilson, you are obligated to pretend that you are Tom Hanks and they are a Volleyball and quote the movie when you speak to them.
This girl looks like an elf and is obviously on coke. I want to be her.
I cried at the bar for 30 minutes because I got my arm stuck in my sweater. I got free drinks for the rest of the night after the bartender helped me.
at first i said "no rollerblading if I'm going to be drunk," but we all know how that went
The cop told me I was the prettiest guy he'd arrested in a while. I'm still not sure if it was a come on or not.
What's the polite way to tell someone she's a grown ass woman and she needs to start acting like it.
You're having marijuana delivered to you. You're buying drugs and you aren't even leaving the house. I'm sure he'll be surprised if you're NOT wearing a bathrobe.
I just learned that the grill marks on a Burger King burger patty are actually previously burnt on there with a radioactive spray-on liquid and McDonald's french fries are actually 5% potato.
Randomize
