Baby momma caught me doing baby daddy in reverse cowgirl. She kicked me out and i have no clothes, come get me.
I hope you walked the shit out of that shame.
you won't ask to borrow his earbuds because you think it's gross, but you'll have sex with him?
So shortly after drunk sex...she starts crying and saying..." you don't care about me, you never do anything nice for me" so I called her a cab
Do you think anyone has ever tried to have sex with a cows udder before?
Well i then put my mattress in my closet and am currently on it. This is a new one.
i just opened the overnight bag i packed at 2am last night. Apparently all i thought id need was a handful of quarters, mascara and one sock
My patience ran out after you started clapping at the strippers everytime they took off a piece of clothing.
Next time we throw a party together I would appreciate it if you didn't try to get my friends to hook up with friends of yours you know have herpes
Just think. Tomorrow you'll wake up, shower, and get your brains fucked out. That's your ice cream. Today is your peas and carrots.
You thought your socks were broken. They were just inside out.
I'll always remember you bringing me that pregnancy test in the middle of an ice storm. Best friend ever.
Note to Self: Never again eat a weed brownie by yourself two hours before a tornado warning in your exact location.
My vagina cried when he left. I think she's about to be at war with my self respect.
I almost just opened my door to get my pizza butt ass naked
I hooked up with the sexiest couple in the LAX BATHROOM IN THE CHANGING FAMILY ROOM HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAA
Randomize
