Who wears a wallet chain?!
If relationships were based on ego stroking and meaningless sex, we'd be soulmates
Just saw a squirrel crossing the road in a crosswalk..my morning has improved exponentially.
I somehow fell asleep on my kitchen counter using the microwave as a pillow
Why would vodka do this to me? I've always been loyal
You know the party was great when the birthday girl gets arrested
Turns out that my surprise "happy birthday" drop-in for my dad turned into a "my parents like afternoon sex a lot" realization.
After the baby comes, I'll make us White Russians with my breast milk. That will teach her about sharing.
Will the fact that I have 4 boob hickies add to or take away from tonight's outfit?
So, we estimated there is at least 40 pounds of boob in our house.
I seriously have her in my phone as "Legit 8"...even I'm surprised
Is it morally wrong to give today's hookup a Krispy Kreme from yesterday's hookup or is it just fat love?
What's sexier than showing up smelling like fast food cigarettes with a jar of moonshine in your hand
Ok well my life just seems more exciting by default because I'm dating my married boss and sexting with my ex
Right. Cuz nothing screams "You made it!" quite like selling your used underwear to strangers you met on the internet.
Randomize
