My friend's 9-year-old son just informed me that for a cop station, you can't use a shotgun; you have to use a machine gun. Thank you, Grand Theft Auto, for single-handedly corrupting our youth.
Todays life lesson brought to you by last nights half pitchers of cheap sangria: you'll never get the stain or the SMELL of sangria vomit out of your bedroom carpet.
1. Sorry about making it snow. 2. If it left a mess, I will be over to clean it. 3. Can that fire extinguisher still be used? If not, I'll buy a new one. 4. I just wanted to make it snow!
That's your penis' name. I've always referred to it as Alejandro secretly.
If you wake up soonish don't worry. I took your dog to burger king and now we're going to see some nice girls.
She was kinda cute. So long as you don't mind neck tattoos and bad life choices.
Tried to ride the mechanical bull pants less, got punched for making out with some lesbians wife, and you tipped the bartender with a can of skoal.
I regret nothing
We weren't even through customs yet, and we got offered weed. You would love Jamaica.
Where are you in relation to the mariatchi band?
Question. There's no better feeling than clean shaven balls. Do girls get that too?
I told the emergency room nurse I didn't want to stop and ruin the moment. She said safewords are there for a reason. Super condescending. Got her number though.
Turns out it's a fake number.
I'm like a freaking volcano of life and sexual frustrations
I think I should've done my makeup before I took the acid. Because now I just feel silly looking at myself in the mirror
I literally heard an 'oh my god' when the shirtless Tongan appeared.
Our Uber driver pulled over to show us Tinder some dick pics. Top that.
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