so, my congressman just called me to say he has office hours this week if i'm still interested in talking to him. i pray to god this is not related to Friday.
every time you want to hook up with a guy who has a girl friend, i'll just give you a freshman
Actions speak louder than pants.
I am the master of subtle flirting. I seduced him by simulating a hand job with an epi-pen during training.
she asked me which thongs i though her boyfriend would like best. fuck the friend zone
Which is scary since we both think with our vaginas
Dude the animal human society told us we could get a dog when we came back sober. I cant wait.
I wrote my name on his balls in sharpie. In the homosexual world that's like a diamond ring. Shits permanent.
If you like her enough, bring her with. If not, eloquently cunt punt that bitch through the field goals of life.
I took shots of absinthe with my mom just now. Except awful things.
Finding an empty bathroom to shit on campus is like the quest for the fucking Holy Grail. Except with more stench and humiliation.
Last time I was your wingman I had to deal with a girl whose only interest in my body was to clip my toenails. I'm not interested.
I don't know which is worse, the fact that his name is Kevin or the fact that he has a pornstache.
And I mean really who loses their phone in a tree
he was just sitting there in his underwear... and his chewbacca mask...
Randomize