I'm sorry, but you without makeup is like christmas without presents.
I'm gonna answer everything she says with 'cum on da face' until she breaks up with me...great idea or greatest idea?
so we have officially lost him as of 7 hours ago.. already called campus security, the drunk tank and the hospital. figure he'll turn up eventually..
i'll start checking the bushes on campus.
Guess who won bingo at the senior center and is going to jail all in the same night?
I dropped my blunt out the window of a moving car by accident, tell me everything will be okay
I took a few sips of my hugeee bottle of liquid Vicodin and smoked my one hitter and now I'm going thru my attic like Indiana Jones
Dude, seduce him with cookies. You almost turned me gay with scones. Don't be surprised when they get you laid.
Just found a uh poem I wrote on ambien. It says to "cry your seamen filled tears" and "I hope you take a dagger to your vagina" and at the end it says "sincerely, God". What.the.fuck do they put in that pill?
He returned my car yesterday. Found a duffel bag with beef jerky, condoms, and a handgun this morning. Slightly concerned
At my place... I'm gonna be honest though stonewall Jackson is not going to be able to rally the troops. Too many shots of tequila
Human centipede...with the teletubbies. That's what my nightmare had in it.
I don't even want to know.
You must take up my position now. You must pass out in awkward places as I taught you... Sears a hotel elevator and Burger King bathroom. You potential for greater young grasshopper.
If a treadmill opens up I'll run next to him and then fall off so he has to give me mouth to mouth
That awkward moment when you bring a guy back to your place then have to tell him you only have magnums.
Do dollar stores sell vibrators?
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