Another f*ing night of vodka youporn and xanax. I need to get a goddamn life
3 great things that go great together... But not on a Friday night. Perfect on say... a Tuesday.
why did i wake up to an event notice that says "Shit Just Got Real"?
I'm too high to be shopping. I just contemplated deoderant for fifteen minutes. Now testing pillows
What I wanna know is who took a picture eiffel towering her?
Yes, yes she is. This will teach her not to pull her vibrator out and harass people with it at parties.
Were you paying girls to come up and grab my cock and tell me I look like bradley Cooper?
Check out this gay circle: I've now hooked up with my ex-boyfriend, my ex's ex-boyfriend, my ex's ex-boyfriend's ex-boyfriend, and most recently my ex's ex-boyfriend's ex-boyfriend's ex-fling.
I'm drinking too much free beer
Thats like saying one owns too many kittens. It's not possible.
I gave you a lap dance in a bowling alley... And I was Fine?
I'm about to initiate a game of drunk UNO.
Drunk UNO has officially been banned from now until forever.
So I just noticed that my last drunk google search before going to bed last night was "ghosts based on gays." I have no idea what that's supposed to mean
We grabbed as many adult diapers as we could and made a run for it.
She kept giving the uber driving directions and we all thought they were wrong so we'd send him the other way. Turns out she wasn't guiding us home, but to the half gallon that she hid in the bushes on the way to the bar.
I accidentally sent my mom a nude picture of my ass... she replied with how did you get that angle ?
He said "I can't believe I had sex with a cat lady". Am I flattered or is this a new low?
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