i just told my boss to make it rain at camelot later...what is wrong with me?
i just wish he would text me so i could ignore his text and show him how little i care anymore
You fell asleep mid BJ last night. I put your pants back on you. My ego is pretty bruised this morning.
I woke up to find her cooking breakfast wearing nothing but my Nuggets jersey. I don't think this could end better.
I just took went to the bathroom and it smelt like blue curococo... I didn't flush yet so head on up if you wanna know what a good night smells like.
VODKA 4LOKO BEER NOT IN THE CLEAR
I just took a dump to end all dumps. Other dumps have already written ballads about it. It was the Armageddon dump. Bruce Willis was there, it was awful.
Did you get an erection too during Paul Ryan's speech?
I just found out the guy that lied and blew me off got arrested, his mugshot is online. Life is good.
Drunk logic "let's go outside in front of the bar to get sick"
If you need to be the damsel in drunken distress make sure it's before 3.
But the sex is so much better when he already has a girlfriend
Considering we're about to fuck, I really need your girlfriend to stop liking all my Facebook posts.
Just tried to do a line with a snorkel I cut off... that is how my Aruba trip is going!
You use your abs way more than I realized. Btw multiple orgasms is the best thing I've ever discovered.
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