I woke up to 30 angry texts and her Chihuahua in my room. Can you drop him off for me?
I just walked in on my roommate beating off with no pants on, an unbuttoned hawaiian shirt and a cowboy hat, and he weights 300 pounds
I hope my margaritas pass through security.
The story about him having a girlfriend changed real fast when he found out that I was a gymnast
Who would win... a chainsaw pooping pterodactyl or a bear with machine guns for feet. big debate about this right now
Were gonna hotbox in the trunk. I think there's room for another half of a person if you're interested
I would have screamed and cried and bled and shit and then died. Fuck that guy.
she's a nursing student, i didn't think vomit would freak her out so much
you puked ON HER
I take pride in being a married 31 year old who sleeps on her best friend's bathroom floor from time to time.
She climbed up the stairs with three brownies in one fist, two in the other, and one in her mouth. Also, she opened the bedroom door with her foot. I may be in love.
She had sex with a starfish painted on her face. Thank you Halloween
yeah i'm making him "thanks for letting me befriend your toilet" cookies. wanna help? i'm sure you'll be making new friends too.
Sitting on couch, workout sex makes me more sore than regular workout
It occurred to me today, whilst I was on the phone to boyfriend number 1, whilst in the car with boyfriend number 2 who was dropping me at the shops to meet boyfriend number 3 to help me buy a present for boyfriend number 4 that I should be having much more sex than I am.
Liz Cheney wasn’t exactly on my list of women I expected to be saying “YAS QUEEN” for in 2021 but here we are
Randomize
