i fucked some guy last night. i called him nick jonas by mistake. i'm 24.
and by charming I mean he has a horse cock.
I think I just saw the silver monkey from legends of the hidden temple sitting out in someone's trash
GO. BACK. NOW.
You coming out tonight? We gotta hang out before I move to Madison. BTW I'm moving to Madison.
I'm not giving my ex her earrings back. If some chick i hated gave me brownies i would still eat them. It's the same thing.
I have woke up on a strange couch, in a strange house, on another campus. Can you Friend-Find me and pick me up?
when my phone is in portrait view you can just assume i've been watching porn. that's the only thing i want to see in full view.
We literally solved our fight using cat pictures on Instagram. True love.
You haven't lived until you've snorted coke from a Pharaoh's hand baby
When you wake up on the bus on 139th but you're staying at 6th
133 to go
I put purple lights under my bed and asked him if he wanted to fuck in a spaceship.
You can get gift cards to the liquor store! This changes everything.
Lol I'm just saying its too early for your penis, I can accept it but at a more decent hour
Just packed vodka and spare underwear into my purse- totally set for watching the hockey with him tonight
Dude, I just masturbated with my cat sleeping on my boobs....
You have GOT to get this crazy cat lady thing under control. I'm finding you a man. And you'll take him, and thank me. After that text, you have no right to be picky.
Randomize
