then my best friend's brother, boyfriend, and future bro in law showed up at the bar. they asked who i was there with. didn't know if "a 40 year old man" or "my 5th grade teacher" was better answer.
"Is there dairy in semen?" was in her recent google searches...so she's lactose intolerant AND a slut.
I think "bars open christmas minneapolis" is the saddest google search i've ever done.
is there a reason why there is cup of piss in the fridge?
no
The savings from $3 shots still doesn't add up to plan-b
Just so you know, you're MY booty call. Feel degraded.
At least you have booty calls.
True. I just waste them though. I feel like I need to be told "there are people in this world who would give anything for just one and you have two." You know in that same tone your parents told you about the starving people in china
Will you just get over yourself and come over here and give me that dick...then you can go back home and continue to cry over us breaking up. Thank you
Too lazy to make dinner. Had chocolate and scotch instead. Check in with me in a half hour.
Sounds like she has 4 first names. Like a sad version of Ricky bobby
Oddly enough, the sex change dream i had made me miss you more.
Lmfao a voicemail screaming about you partying with your tits out and a text at 3 am saying you went too crazy... this should be a good one
I walked a mile in this weather wearing nothing but a toga. Zero fucks. Your move Mother Nature.
Your birthday is now over. Your day in the spotlight has dimmed and now you're as special as everyone else. The world goes back to revolving around me. Good night.
I'll call you on my way home
Oh my god I'm going to die between now and then... can you at least tell me if y'all hooked up???
Randomize
