I haven't shaved so I have to behave myself. I'm going to do this from now on.
I hope, cuz I was gunna get "celebritory drunk" but now I have to get "I'm disappointed drunk"
she's sitting here naked with heels and a taco.
I would literally rather jam a rusty rail road spike into my cock than be here right now. The whore showed up and now I might smash my iPhone into my face repeatedly until I'm no longer consisting of any sort of life.
I woke up to a text that said, "I can see you but can't get in." It was the pizza delivery guy who saw me passed out drunk on the floor through the front door.
The chips are stabbing my teeth, and I can feel the muscle under my mouth contracting.
Don't make fun of the drunk girl eating bread out of her pockets. I've been that girl.
I'm about one sudden movement away from being able to cross "throw up in a fortune 100 company's bathroom" off my bucket list.
Why is hotel staff askin about the blood in our room
My mom asked me if I ever go on dates. I had to suppress the urge to ask if having casual sex with a freshmen counts as dating
There is pretty much a target on everyone's lips when I am drunk. EVERYONE
AND I woke up to eggs in my bra. Thanks Taco Cabana...
You know, you could always move. Lol somewhere without gators, water moccasins, and Marco Rubio.
When creating your wedding guest list do you put the girl you & your fiance had a threesome with under your friends or his friends?
Im too stoned for my mom to be picking up hitch hikers. Help.
Randomize
