I am in the checkout line at the dollar store and there is a guy in front of me holding a pregnancy test, a chocolate bar, and fake roses. Champion.
mom just told me i had to find a fake by next wednesday.
I've never seen so many strippers at a funeral...
Walked girl from last night to car as gf was driving up. Got slow clap from neighbors.
I've reached too hung over to move status will you bring me something to drink?
I moved out 2 weeks ago remember?
Can you ship it to me then?
He wants me to have his first child. So that makes four gay men that've called dibs on my eggs.
I really want to throw this drink in your face but it was 6 dollars that shits expensive
I specialize in how to hang out and party with randoms after you've hooked up with them. Not in feelings.
I'm going to miss recovering from hangovers on the beach. Rolling around in my dorm bed and watching Friends reruns is just gonna feel like slumming it.
let me just inform you that suppository-ing xanax is glorious
Well. At least he's a gentleman. A gentleman satanist.
Well, if it's rabies, your lips will swell just prior to the frothing. Get a lot of good pics!
I can't believe you tried to cock block me from A DIFFERENT TIME ZONE.
i black out too much to be "responsible"
We could just stay sober.
No! We tried that once.
It sucked.
Randomize
