Last night, my friend changed all my contacts in my phone. I have been texted by Batman, Donatello, and Hermione Granger. I have no idea who they are, and it doesn't upset me at all.
birthday sex, birthday sex, birthday sex
I'm on my period, period, period
You found Muppets From Space a little too intense, so you just sorta sat on the ground and stared at the wall plug for an hour and a half.
She's allergic to latex.
Lucky bastard.
We already established this. No, he did not cum on the dog.
Dude... there's chunks of hair all over the floor, and no one knows how they got there. You guys just made out right?
This coming from the girl who broke up with a guy because she found out he played the tuba in middle school.
I cant believe im wasting my plan b experience on this guy. I should have saved it for someone special.
Okay I know I said I was going to quit drinking for a while but apparently pumpkin pie flavored vodka is a thing and I will not rest until I have some.
Welp, dad and I drunkenly sang Christmas carols until the police told us to stop. I vote Xmas eve a success
Just let me take your liver out and beat it with a meat tenderizer for you..
There's an owl outside. I feel like he's hooing directly at me.
if you arent using your penis to save lives, then what good is it?
Is it weird that I only look up my ex on Twitter when I take a shit? May have conditioned myself to associate him with shit
They left me at home... I'm a liability
Randomize
