I was so high i believed someone when they told me le moyne beat syracuse
at home by myself drinkin the left over champagne from my party... who says my birthday has to end?
I was pretty stoned. I thought I needed a seatbelt at the restaurant.
what started as sign language exam pre-drinks to calm the nerves turned into me waving at a deaf woman for 20 minutes
The stripper had a daughter my age and offered to introduce us. I didn't know what to say to that.
You walked in, sat down, looked at the waiter and said, "I'm only having deserts and liquor."
I can't wait for the 4th. I'll probably get drunk and end up puking all over whichever 18 year old I end up making out with.
Now I'm heckling that my belch is more exciting than their fireworks and I peed down the driveway.
It doesn't matter how many beers you've had, it's unacceptable to piss in someone's helmet after a playoff win.
No cash. I had to buy four bowls of soup to meet the credit card limit. I'm not even upset. SO MUCH SOUP.
There arew tilmes ina man's life when christmaas. THerew are times in a man's lfie when drunk texts from a bathrom hyufgirto. So, you know, merry chriastmans.
Life goal: sit on his perfect beautiful David Archuleta-lookalike face
The Dick I got last night was so phenomenal that I had to take a fucking personal day today.
All I ever wanted was my bed, Tylenol, and total darkness. Instead I had a pervert with porno posters who blares german rock calling me tootsie pop. How was your saturday night?
You'd think that a rotation of two 30 year old men could keep me satisfied... WHY ISN'T THERE A MAN THAT CAN KEEP UP WITH MY HEALTHY SEXUAL APPETITE?!
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