i told him i was sober and he walked away immediately.
my affection for youporn is starting to get disturbing... i just thought about sending them a christmas card
wow, so sex, not that great its like masturbating with a warm towelette, like the kind you get at a japanese restaurant
He literally sends me dick pictures, EVERY DAY. SEVERAL DIFFERENT ANGLES ..it's like I GET THE POINT.
It was the best present I've gotten since I was 5 and I got a fucking easy bake oven. I'm not pregnant for realsies. Celebratory party at the house tonight. Invite all the nice dicks you know.
They need to leave so I can start drinking shamefully.
I was on my way last night when some asshole yelled "make better life choices" out the window of his car. I felt so self conscious I went home.
Never let him bartend when he's tripping. He sprinkled a ton of mexican shredded cheese over a jack and coke and called in a Monterey Jack Daniels.
Dude, why did I wake up with ketchup packets in my bed and the stove in my room??
Beer and xanax may be a bad combo, but I don't really care due to the beer and the xanax.
My drug dealer is giving me a 15% veterans discount on my weed for nov 11th
That's the best thing I've heard all week.
Things that have happened since you moved: Lemmy, Bowie, Snape, Prince, civility, democracy, Carrie Fisher, all dead. Record flooding down here. Twice. This is clearly your fault.
did i get sucker punched in the face last night or was our make-out session just that intense?
WHY ARE THE COPS ALWAYS AT DENNYS WHEN IMDRUNK!?
you said, "I wonder what your mum is doing right now." in the middle of sex, of course I threw up on you.
Randomize