Dude, I just rear-ended a cab
Are you drunk?
A little...yes
Run!
Terrible brother advice.
I just packed a bowl in my room and use glad press n' seal to cover it so it wouldn't dump out in my pocket .
The amount of pregnancy tests I've taken in my life is unhealthy
Just because you were able to pour the entire bottle of wine into 2 glasses does not mean you took it easy last night.
Either I need to stop bringing you back to my apt or I need to stop buying ikea furniture
Like what kind of adult things? Whats more adult than drinking at 2pm on a monday?
walking around pouring bird seed on passed out guys in the quad.
I found your wallet in my underwear drawer......... Don't worry I don't plan on asking any questions
I cannot believe this. A potential 2016 Olympiad wants my vag. To which I respond "GO FOR THE GOLD"
you have to be that girl in the audience holding up the sign that says i fucked the shit out of you
After the Jell-o shots and about 6 shots of lighter fluid brand tequila, it got to the point where breathing was painful. All I could do was pray I didn't fall asleep in the front yard.
I mean your new thing is losing body parts and feeling colors so its not like we are hurting for entertainment
It all started because he put my damn phone in his pants. By his crotch nonetheless.
I like how she'll post a picture on Instagram with her boyfriend and 2 hours later you'll send me a snap of her panties on your rear view mirror
But I thought it was so funny last night
You also thought you were a gypsy mermaid last night
My life is a random series of events connected only by bottles of Seagram's 7
Randomize
