i just looked at my contacts and realized i saved the pizza hut girl's number as "fckucin pizza" the other night.
Got kicked out of the baseball game with a 4 officer escort. Not bad for a monday night.
Before you even think your day was worse than mine, I had to disinfect and and stitch another dude's penis after his prince Albert got ripped out by an angry chick.
Well, on the plus side, the hospital gave me a shirt that says "Makes a bad ass look good"
Sometimes crazy just comes naturally. I don't need booze to say that on occasion I feel the need to rip off my asshole and throw it against the fridge to see if it sticks.
We don't really communicate like that.
Communicate like what?
Communicate like people who want to see each other when their genitals are inside their pants.
I think it's god's punishment for my behavior in Vegas . Lies were told. Angels were defiled. Pools were pissed in
plus there's no nice way to tell a guy you physically hate the shape of their cock.
It's not that I even wanna fuck these guys anymore, just cuddle that's all. My conscience has never been so proud.
he came to me for relationship advice and we ended up fucking in my backseat
Holy shit my cat won't leave the lube alone
You were trying to be sexy by spraying your contact solution on your chest and telling me to lick it off
I'm thankful I didn't get drunk and shit my pants this year. 🦃
I've never met a penis that didn't think I was awesome.
i woke up this morning from the best one night stand. i made the guy mickey mouse pancakes for breakfast and when i walked back into the bedroom he said "marry me"
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