I hope you get the herp and dife. The emd.
It's like the Sean Connery of vaginas. You don't mess with it.
I just slapped my cat in the face with my dildo. You were the only one I could tell.
He probs deserved it.
Every good man does.
I woke up pulling sunflower seeds out of my vagina. That kind of night.
I knew he was a nice guy, because when we switched positions he flipped the mattress so I wouldn't have to lay in a pool of his sweat.
I just realized my mom and I make the same noises when we have sex. Fuck.
You weren't just peeing. You were like grinding on it. And you tried to pee in the washing machine first.
Well, love is in the air. And by that I mean: it seriously smells like sex in here.
God that barista is texting me bout his life like i care i mean dude just hook me up with free coffee thats why i gave you my number
Operation "Inform her family she stars in a sadistic lesbian porn film" is in full effect. She picked the wrong guy to cheat on.
Just burnt my nuts with a cigarette. Don't ask. I hate life.
When you pick me up at the airport, please have some sort of drugs on hand.
I feel like Jeremy snapchattong while we're fucking is a perfect example of our generation..
we told you you couldn't get your dick sucked because you were a girl and you yelled at us and said we were 'discriminating you'
I had a dream that I got you so wet that you flooded my apartment
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