I think im in love with that girl with the googlie eyes last night. She was looking in my eyes and at my dick at the same time. we are going out again tonight.
i just used a pokemon card to do blow. i need an adult. now.
You told him your wedding ring was part of your costume. not okay!!
I just woke up wearing the O-ring from my dildo harness as a bracelet. Classy.
You mean the girl who was passed out face down on the bathroom floor until 10 AM? You're right, she was cute.
I know. He gave me a hug and i was like jesus i can just feel the std through your sweatshirt
She's barefoot and topless screaming "HERE KITTY-KITTY" at a stray cat in the ditch on the side of the highway. How do I get her back in the car?
GET OVER HERE. HOTTIE ALERT
^^^This is why you should have charged your phone prior to going out.
he had shaved armpits. I repeat: HE SHAVED. HIS. ARMPITS! First hookup of 2014 and it's with a weirdo. Alcohol:1 Me:0
I'm sure nobody at Walmart was wondering why I was wearing a glittery tutu and needed $300 changed into small bills
Basically I will actually need a reindeer pulled sleigh to make it to all the penises in one night.
No like I actually peed on the treadmill. As it was running
After a crazy night, morning sex is just trying to find a position where you can thrust without getting seasick.
Dude, don't beat around the bush. We're fucked and you know it.
I feel awkward having to tell people “sorry you can’t finger me because I will get a UTI and I don’t have health insurance”
Randomize
