Tell your sister I'm no fool. Or at least romanticize the notion of the fool.
I know you are passed out now but when you wake up in the morning your keys are in the freezer and your probly gunna want to apologize to your gf...
Balls are like the throw pillows of the penis
I just banged two guys while dressed like an angel. I love this holiday.
Totally just locked myself outside of my house, in my robe, with the fedex man and a box of sex toys. Not my week.
My TA just came over to give us drugs. Now he's drinking grey goose with my roommate and explaining his thesis to her. This is too much.
Will you just get over yourself and come over here and give me that dick...then you can go back home and continue to cry over us breaking up. Thank you
This is why I need to move out...so my naked vomit covered walk of shames to the bathroom are only witnessed by one other person who is equally as pathetic as me and the cat
I was living a snoop dogg song I fucked her on the floor so I wouldn't mess up my bed
I woke up at 4 am to a guy curled up in the fetal position sobbing in our front yard. Oh college.
I guess there's no delicate way to say "I'm 90% sure I sucked his dick in the bathroom of the bar."
Mind if I sleep with your cousin? If I can... thanks. If no, sorry its gonna happen.
THE SUPER HOT BARTENDER WHO LOOKS LIKE RYAN GOSLING JUST WALKED IN. BUT HE DOESNT EVEN WALK HE GLIDES. LIKE AN ANGEL.
Things that happen while I poop: I start dating someone
Somehow reaching for the flaming hot cheetos ended up in the best sex of my life
Randomize
