Let's play a little game called "Chill the Fuck Out" - you're our first contestant
So then I sent a pic msg of the Magnum XL box to her friend
I need a Xanax. A Veggie Delight. And exhibition style sex.
I may or may not have just ruined a marriage. But in my defense I got all my drinks for free tonight.
She face-timed me on the toilet. My dick is never going to recover from that.
He picked up a chick with a line about the price of used cars in Sri Lanka and developing economies. Step it up.
I thought that wasn't a thing ever since she showed you her vag on the dance floor
She looks like a hot George Washington...I'm going for it
What do you expect from her? Do you remember that creepy man she dated who saturated a pillowcase in his musky cologne and mailed it to her and she still slept with him.
You can't break up with me. I brought you to see Beyoncé.
I have no idea what happened last night, but my pee is neon green.
What has my life become? I'be officially recruited my fuck buddy for help getting my ex back.
The usual, icing my vag with a chimichanga.
Looking back at our past texts, the minute it turned 2020 you were cleaning your house and I was dying of the cold. We were prophesying the Rona.
I don’t care that he’s a decade younger. He’s cute and I need a good penising
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