LETS GO REDSKINS!
Quit drinking and watching your DVR, it's wednesday.
Come scavenge bits of tuna out of my chest hair
She said my main job as maid of honor is to ensure the groom doesn't find out that each of his seven groomsmen has had his penis inside her.
We made a bong out of a plastic football. I can honestly say we make a good team.
I'm sitting here in nothing but my panties, eating beef jerky and reese's for breakfast.Today is not the day to expect me to make sound life decisions.
I think I'll bring the beer we scavenged from that other party. What goes around comes around, especially when it's Corona because that shit is not staying in my fridge
Some people dream of being astronauts others dream of having genitalia that shines like Edward Cullen in the sun
Diet Starts Tomorrow! Guy from McDonalds asked if I got a new car...
HE'S LIKE A GREEK GOD BUT HE'S FROM BOSTON. HE'S A BOSTON GOD
pray to him
I WANNA PRAY ON HIS DICK
First he fixed my gutter. Then he flogged me and fucked me. Then he bought me a new vacuum cleaner. I don't understand Daddy Dom stuff but I ain't mad at it.
Saw the guy I once slept with, he was buying Beer and shit tone of diapers. Glad to see how 2016 will turn out.
I accidentally brought up how there used to be a big tree in his yard, which I could only have known if I had been Google mapping his house.
I'm at that stage of drunk where just imagining having sex makes me motion sick.
rock bottom is drinking straight vodka from a protein shaker, singing one direction and crying alone in your room. exams.
I was not drunk. There was Star Wars, sex, and baby oil.
Randomize
