Apparently you get kicked out of gay bars if they catch you putting the entire free condom bowl in your purse.
His balls looked like two miss shaped chicken nuggets
This baby is an asshole
That's the saddest description of touching yourself I've heard since someone said "I was just lazily rubbing my clitoris while eating Cheetos alone"
Day drinking straight vodka out of a Mountain Dew can being towed behind a kayak on a raft. And no, there is no time difference, it really is 10 am.
First of all you're supposed to say "you're not fat". And second of all never ever deprive me of nachos.
Got a text that the fed tax return dropped into my account just before getting on the first leg of my flights the Vegas. Fate? Viva Las Vegas!
Its mothers day, andI woke up with 12 bar stamps on my face, holding orange juice and a box of tampons. This can not be happening
I just realized my new apartment is at the corner of Patrick Henry and Mary Jane.
Give me weed or give me death?
A guy with a mustache poured a beer down your throat while you had a crippled boy named Sunshine riding your back
When she introduced her friend to me I shook his hand and told him not to leave his ugly vest at my apartment in the morning. He took it off and bought me a shot.
He posted a picture from Senor Frogs. I don't remember where that bikini came from and my sombrero is PERPENDICULAR. Safe to say it was one hell of a day
I am descending into that finals week rage fueled by ramen, mountain dew and bad sex is what's up.
YALL MOTHERFUCKERS WANNA WATCH HEAVY METAL AND SMOKE WEED AND PLAY POOL AND DRINK BEER AND SMOKE WEED
I just thought I should tell you that I always know what you are doing. Everywhere. Every time. -Your loving Mother
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