mustard is like jesus in yellow tights
Rocking a Headband at the strip club, because of Rock of Love this shit is like their kryptonite, I smell like stripper butter and back child support.
I always feel awkward when im sitting at home watching the price is right and the fat contestant get the gym equipment.
his prince albert piercing just severely cut the roof of my mouth. can you pick me up at the hospital if he drops me off?
I think a girl in front of me glued an ugg tag to a weird pair of boots.
He gave me a promise ring. He promised that he will imagine me as every girl he fucks in college.
Dude. Apparently I just smoked some stuff that's used for Nigerian spirit quests.
My mom just invited me to come with them on their honeymoon to Mexico this summer. And I got a Bump-It in my stocking.
Pass the awkward sauce please.
I'm drowning in it here
Favor? Can you not wear as much glitter on your face this time? Walking in the house looking like a disco ball was enough embarrassment for the week 😒
So I feel like I should have had a going away party for your dick. Complete with balloons and cake. Yeahh that's right. I'm gonna miss it.
TONIGHT IS GOING TO BE A FUCKING BLAST. EVEN IF I HAVE TO SET OFF A BUNCH OF FIREWORKS IN YOUR KITCHEN.
You told him about your cats? I told his friend to put his dick in my mouth, and you talked about cats!?
Whenever someone tells me they've never met a bisexual, I feel like a majestic fucking unicorn.
2016 is coming through for me, I'm renaming it the year of great dick
Lol woke up with mangoes in bed with me
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