you tried to scramble eggs in my dryer last night. i want you here in 15 minutes to clean this shit up
That's why they call him "the cheesegrater".
apparently "preggers as fuck" isn't an appropriate way to describe someone...
I would makeout with my roommate, but im not drunk enough and she doesnt like bacon fat
Woke up in my underwear and Christmas sweater. Only. Eggnog has won the battle but not the war.
I had to show the prof your text saying that I could pick up your midterm for you. I covered the part of the screen saying you weren't there because you were about to have morning choke sex.
You were so calm and collected as you strolled out the door with 40 mcdonalds cups in your arms. It was legendary.
Can we be in one of those super weird relationships where you carry me around everywhere?
Can we just focus for a minute on the fact that I HAD MY FIRST LESBIAN ENCOUNTER.
Right. How rude of me to inform you that you're going to be an aunt.
Oddly enough I feel totally fine now. Clonazapam and red bull the breakfast of champions.
If I just skip sleeping, does hangover still happen? Gonna try it. Will report back. StTAND BY
She said she was hoping I'd be hotter. I told her I didn't see anybody standing in line to titty fuck her either. She was a great kisser.
Oh also we fucked while one of the old Rudolph movies was playing on tv so it was festive
Thus began an intricate shell game of nude cardigan photos
You ripped the leaves off the top of a pineapple then rubbed the rough skin part all over your face saying "this is how you mate with other species"
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