She's 40ish and I couldn't wake her up with a stick of dynamite. My sheets are going to be covered in glitter lotion and smell like grape vodka and shattered dreams tomorrow.
Aren't divorce parties fun?
You and I have very different definitions of fun.
He came on my face and tried to draw out a smiley face because he said I looked like I had a bad day
just woke up in a hotel room.. realizing its the hotel i work at.. lets see how this walk of shame turns out
Is it weird being in the house without any roommates?
Nah, just masturbating louder
Because when I say 'You shouldn't drink anymore', she hears, 'I personally challenge you to chug 3 more mixed drinks'
On my list on ridiculous morning after bus rides home, still sopping wet and carrying a giant straw hat is definitely top five
he's totally gay but hes wondering what hes missing out on. Im going to show him.
no pressure.
When you started Hi-fiving people I knew u were fucking gone. You slapped some dude on the shoulder when he wouldn't hi-five you and he asked if he even knew you
Sad news: I might have to institute a "once-per-day" policy on getting trashed downtown. Sorry, reputation.
She posted on her FB that he moved out...It's like she wants me to fuck him.
She sat on the stairs and yelled sex positions at us. I don't remember if we went along with it but judging by the beer and condoms I'm thinking yes.
Oh my god. I just realized something amazing. If I get pregnant with a boy, that technically means I have a penis right??????
Do not shit in our house. There is no TP. I am walking to get more, if I do not return, I have probably died of dysentery after my last wagon wheel got stuck in a gulch. Tell Martha and Lou Ann that I love them, and that I passed away doing the Lord's work.
If you're staying here tonight, you need to promise me you won't make another bonfire in the lounge room. My girl is still pissed about that.
If he can't cook well I'm just gonna buy a RealDoll and twenty cats and live my own fucking life
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