You should really figure out how to get me a picture that will pop up on my phone when you call
Just upload a picture of Bea Arthur. That's what my soul looks like these days
Is it wrong to want to cut a hole in the Tigger suit so I can molest you while I wear it?
... thanks for letting me perform minor surgery on myself last night.
I figured if you were smart enough to sterilize with vodka, you could handle it.
Wackin it to the USA womens soccer team. My own personal way of saying job well done.
I think that girl got really offended when I made out with baby Jesus.
He set two of my ex boyfriends on fire at two different bars without anyone knowing it was him or how it happened either time. He might be a fucking super hero
I mean, they were small fires and no one got hurt, but still. Awesome.
Why on earth is he slamming his body into the wall again?
Nope if you can't be there for me emotionally, then my vagina can't be there for you physically. That's my rule.
I love 4am trips to the ER. I feel so responsible for actually making it all the way here.
Yep. My memoirs will be called "A Slore Worth Mentioning"
I feel like there's def a learning curve to the sex swing
just called AAA to get my keys out of me car and then afterwards realized they were in my pocket...stoner life
I fear our relationship is coming to an end. Last night I felt the need to bloody apologise for waking him up with a blow job.
I need to hurry up and get over my feelings for him so next year's tipsy reunion sex won't be clouded by emotions.
I was trying not to blow up your phone, but I'm so horny I think I might die
Randomize
