I may just buy something cuz i have 6 weddings in the next year and a half.
Holy shittt I don't even have a bf
So now everyone thinks I don't know what a condom is
Just tried to tap morse code on the wall seperating our beds to tell you I was awake and ready to smoke
I woke up 25 minutes ago and have been high for 20. Impressive?
Just passed a Taco Bell Taco Supreme, still in its wrapper, laying in the grass. I'd like a moment of silence.
May it rest in peace.
He just compared himself to a majestic butterfly in regards to the lack of girlfriends. i don't even know what to say.
Woke up to pictures of me cooking wings with a blow torch.
im taking a nap outside. wake me up in an hour.
way to go to work and not wake me up. when you get home youre rubbing me with aloe and giving me a blowjob. no excuses
I have come to realize that my purpose in life is less musical and more as a filter of alcohol into water.
We're listening to space jam. This can only be a good omen.
Actually, I may scrap this entire plan. I just realized that I had sex with a guy with his own whiskey commercial.
So i came so hard i almost passed out, where has this vibrator been all my life?
My cat just tried to lay on my stomach while I was masturbating. And I let her because I am so starved for affection.
Ex-boyfriend shit on a ping pong table at a party last night. Taking "party pooper" to a whole new level.
He may have been a dick but he DID give me his Netflix log in. Maybe some good did come of it.
Randomize
