im in a kiddie pool, high, with a keg in arms reach. If i had a sandwich and a blowjob this would be the best day ever
I was in bed at 845. Affairs take a lot out of people
Just had a flash back. Pretty sure i ate toilet paper last night.
Emergency need house key where r u I just got shit o n
Hey I think I found part of your tooth next to your wine bottle in the floor board of my car.
everyone at work keeps looking at me like they know I got the herp this weekend
He made me eat donuts off his dick. donuts, jen. DONUTS.
When someone comes out of your vagina and stomps on your dreams, you'll understand.
So she just had an emotional breakdown over a birthday card with a peacock on it. Yeah. She's pretty drunk, but we made it home safely.
AFTER I licked the bald guys head they told me we weren't playing
I feel like the only way to get him to stop is by telling him i'm tired from fucking our other friend every night this week
A prostitute stole us beer at 3 am
It would be awesome if I knew whose teeth these were in my pocket
I woke up with masking tape on my nipples this morning........... WHY DO BAD THINGS HAPPEN TO GOOD PEOPLE
how do i act around someone who's shoes i puked in while naked and blackout?
Randomize
