Walking by Farrand Field is better than a porno right now.
He asked to "fluff my boner.."
I just found out my birth date is Pick Your Poison Day. Goodbye, conscience, forever. I was born to live like this.
Thanks for last night. Sorry if i was obnoxious. I respect your morals and i wouldn't want you to lose your virginity to a drunk girl in your mom's prius.
and honestly how many chances will you get to hook up with a one armed guy?
He just turned 21, it's very obvious the end of their relationship is near. Now we play the waiting game.
As she was leaving she said "You have an awesome penis, I hope to use it again soon" I need that on a business card to hand out at the bar
HOW LONG TILL THESE DRUGS WEAR OFF. I WORK IN ONE HOUR, I REPEAT, I WORK IN ONE HOUR.
It's just good to know that when I drink like a twenty year old I still act like one.
I got a letter from the home owners association saying its against policy to have sex on the trampoline.
Please call us Steph is okay but missing phone wallet tooth
I know you just got dumped by your gf but believe there is still good in the world. I just smoked a joint and took a fucking unbelievable poop. Give me a call tomorrow.
Remember I am not doing blow tonight. I REPEATE NO COCAINE unless I do it with your mom
You left me a really long voicemail saying, "Hey, it's meeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee." and then the rest is just loud laughter
Do you ever wake up and realize playing beer pong with your parents wasnt a dream? Your mom really beat you
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