I just walked in on my dad looking at porn. is there protocol for this?
So I'm driving and this guy next to me at the stop light is reving his engine and honking at me. Motherfucker thinks that's because I'm asian and drive a honda I'm automatically going to race him
I knew the sex would be bad when he slipped the rubber on and said "safe sex activated"
I feel as if I owe my bloodstream some tequila.
Do you remember using the heel of your shoe as a shish kabob stick? You offered me some chicken, but I declined.
Everyone threw up but him. I took off my shirt because I puked on it. There were also a lot of drag queens involved.
He woke me up at 5am to recite nursery rhymes to our fictitious unborn child.
Sorry i vommed in a cup next to u w out warning.. Actually im not that sorry cuz i didn't spill a drop LIKE A PRO
Yeah. That's the shitty part. God, I don't want to be a step mom. Sure I'm great with kids, but I just want unlimited sex and not have to worry about making friends with a fucking 7 year old.
Before we have sex for the first time I would like "eye of the tiger" to be playing to mentally prepare me for what I'm about to endure.
It's amazing the amount I can accomplish with a glass of wine in my hand.
... drunk me broke the coffee table?
STOP TALKING ABOUT YOURSELF IN THE THIRD PERSON. YOU DID THE THING.
I met a guy last night who bought me a book on Amazon at the bar and then we had sex. Boners for books is a thing. Boom.
Last night was great... In the "I got videotaped making out and getting a handjob on the couch in front of 100 people." kinda way.
I think he may actually care that I call him slampiece instead of his real name. Who knew he had feelings?
Randomize
