btw.sex in the wood isnt as romantic as it seems.heels kept sinking in the dirt and pine needles were sticking to the fishnets
i wish i had your life
i will see naked twins by the end of the night. that's all i know
We started a mustache riot at white castle at 4 in the morning. Will explain in detail.
I think I was using my hair to catch my vomit last night.
You were.
P.S. I just watched The Muppets. I feel like I just got a sadness enema.
Maybe I'm a robot.
You can't be that drunk already
Just saw a huge group of people walk by in there in their underwear. Too stoned for this.
Nothing says "I support my fellow man" like taking your friends recently divorced dad to a strip club and bar hopping with us to get him laid by an upgrade.
Yeah I'm at work. Nothing like the threat of blowing chunks on passing cars to make you feel alive.
He gave me the "find somebody who wants to date you for who you are" speech while I walked around the house asking people for pants.
I know he’s a bad decision but he's casual, his penis is amazing and his technique is on point.
I just ordered cookies for delivery. My life is falling apart.
Is it ok that I asked him half way through sex why he hadn't accepted my friend request yet?
I was taking a nap and she comes in wo/ pants, gets up on the bed and mounts my face while watching Weeds on Netflix. I'm okay with it, but at least let me wake up first.
She put her coat on went to leave and called me an asshole. I responded with "I never said I wasn't" and then she pounced on me like a cat on cat nip.
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