I would blow Magic Johnson for a pack of lucky strikes right now. Post-hiv.
Midgets have it so easy. They have so much less leg area to shave.
Tonight is one of those "I'm wearing a shirt as a dress" nights because I need to get laid.
he walkred up to the manager at dennys and said 'look, my friends passed out in your bathroom, can i go get her?'
Oh no I would never do that to her. But when you're single again let me know. Cheating penis is definitely better than single penis. But she has claws.
Dude. When are you coming home? I'm laying in bed watching the Grinch and trying to pet a cat that I'm not even sure exists.
oh god I've lost the ability to distinguish between 'star trek' and 'the future'
My dog got laid yesterday. Some lady came over with her husky to breed. He did it like a champ. I was so proud
Wanna get mid day margaritas tomorrow if I'm still alive
I'm not trying to take your husband away from you, but can we have another 3way soon? I'm just desperate for good dick.
He will forever be known as the toe sucker who may or may not have been a father
I tried to bring you in when you passed out on the porch but all you said was that I "ruined your hope ands dreams of becoming an astronaut"
Don't tell me I can do whatever makes me happy while also saying I have to put on pants.
He held my hair while I gave him a blow job. Now that's teamwork.
I teamed up with my vagina. I compromised his morals and then she corrupted him for good. It’s been a very successful and slutty partnership
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