I'm watching a Sinbad stand up special. Not even drugs can make this funny.
I don't think i can handle my uncle say again that kid rock is a true musician....
so not only am i rooming with two chicks on the volleyball team, but we just put down the deposit on a hot tub. this is going to be the best summer ever for my dick.
In preparation of Wine in the Woods next weekend, today we're hosting Straight Vodka in the Bathtub
Pregaming before going to drink with a girl from Russia. Please make sure I'm not dead in the morning.
happy find a boyfriend by next Valentines Day. Its like a new years resolution but depressing
future-me showed up mid trip and gave us a thumbs up.
You may see me wearing your shirt to class. It's because I still have the spins and I'm anticipating throwing up on it. Asshole.
Then me, her, and her mom snorted tequila. The bartender was in shock.
He just snapchatted me a picture of his cock. The angle makes it look like a freakin skyscraper. Thinking of photoshopping a little monkey on it.
Somehow I ended up in a different costume dancing with some tree of a guy in the basement bathroom, what did you give me?
I just used my vibrator to scratch my back. This being single shit is for the birds
Do you feel better now that you've sent me a picture of your dick?
Yep.
Wait... why were you finger painting at one in the morning?
Apparently my hair turned out really good because I got my butthole licked by a stranger last night
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