Trying to guess which perfume the stripper was wearing based on my bf's clothes
i didnt think "maybe you should take over" was a good thing to say when i couldnt get it up
he was wearing ninja turtle pajamas and he STILL got laid. who the fuck is this guy?!
the lady at the gas station just thanked me for wearing clothes this time... i am so confused
To do list: put blue gatorade in a windex spray bottle. spray it into my mouth in public so people think i'm drinking windex.
Maybe if more guys knew my pillowtalk occasionally includes me scribbling notebook diagrams of cell signalling pathways, I'd get laid more often
He asked me what I wanted the cake to say and I then asked him if "I'm sorry for throwing up in your bed last night" was too long. He said it was...
One good thing about being really drunk when you go out to dinner is that the leftovers are a surprise. These quesadillas had shrimp in them! Who knew?
Gotta get new sheets. ..I fucked the satin off mine.
seriously they are like going to hulk burst through. There are perks and downfalls to having big boobs
Dudes don't just lick butts of chicks they're not into.
You started crawling towards a moving train. Maybe you should take it easy next time
There is absolutely a 0% chance my hips will make it out of this twerking business fully functional
alcohol and riverdancing are a dangerous mix. have a spraind ankle. i die now
It's five in the morning. wtf?
Im bringing my light up rubber ducky just in case we end up at a rave tonight. HE CHANGES COLOR!
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