We dont have to go to dinner or anything gay like that. I just wanna do it.
I absolutely love you.
I would have added her but her profile pic was piece of pie
I got vodka in my stocking. Having an alcoholic mom has paid off.
I was just wished a Happy Valentine's Day by the (Mexican) Chinese food delivery guy. I've never had clearer "get your life together" message than that.
i just unblacked out cuddled in a pita pit booth with ten dollars rubberbanded to my hand.
Saved a life and got us a free vacuum cleaner (and learned vacuum is not spelled "vacumn"). Get on my level.
he told me i could have the honorable privilege of being the second girl to have sex with him in his new apartment, what a gentleman.
My gut is currently telling me that Jesus did not intend for us to eat shrimp pad thai on Easter
Is this a considering it or regretting it text?
I just shit out what feels like an entire shrimp with claws and all. You tell me.
had a dream you helped me fill my shoes with yogurt. we were even like "why didn't we think of this before?!" like it was just so obvious
that sounds like something we'd do... we're onto something here
I tried to steal a Mike's Hard sign last night but it didn't work out
why what happened?
Well it was going fine.. until the bouncer noticed the three foot steel lemon sticking out of my jacket.
My blue shorts are now brown from all the stripper fake tan
Like the fear of satan was put into my heart when I saw him put that sandwich on the WOODEN BENCH
Should I go bust a nut on the beach
No we didn't talk. I was high and doing naked yoga in the living room when she walked in so it was just awkward. I didn't even know my dad had a girlfriend.
yeah....try hearing them in person. it sounds like two muppets going at it
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