you told the bartender not to open the bottle because you were gonna put it in your purse in case you get cut off later
She broke both of her ankles trying to jump off the balcony. it's like every time she drinks she makes even more impressively bad decisions than the last time
Lets just not get arrested. That might put a damper on everything. I only say that cause i've almost been arrested.
She looked at me and said "i like penises." and then passed out with her condom balloon animal in her hands.
Because he's your one night stand I shouldn't feel obligated to extend social media to him
I just wanna say I did some math and I lasted 1,052,000 more minutes than you at the bar before I got kicked out. That's 729 days. Bitch
We are planning a drunk snapchat treasure hunt for tomorrow, and the treasure is his penis, this is a game I'm not willing to loose.
Guess what I'm doing tonight? Tacos and strip chess.
We fucked, she finished, high fived me, the pulled a celebratory pack of gushers out of her purse for each of us. I'm going to marry your sister dude.
My roommates don't agree with the whole tv in the bathroom idea. Fucking barbarians.
Just cropdusted a little kid that wouldn't get out of my way in Kroger. Welcome to the real world bitch.
he was spending his time trying to use emojis to court a 19 year old, I can’t really take that seriously no matter how hot a dude is
We fucked while The Odyssey played in the background. Homer would be proud.
The report specifies "melted cheese food" as the cause of the burns. Your pride, like your cock, isn't getting out of this without heavy damage.
Grandma said I got a good handjob. I think she meant manicure.
Randomize