I'll have you know...trying to masturbate while a song about jesus is stuck in your head is next to impossible
Sometimes I think my vagina thinks its a penis.
My professor just suggested making the state of the union more interesting by turning it into a drinking game. Brilliant!!
My chemistry professor just asked me if I ever found a ride home from the bar last Saturday
So I just learned that my father was teaching me rules for drinking games when I was 5.
Help. Me. He just whispered 'prepare yourself', & sprayed hairspray everywheres to make sure the 'air was crisp'
she asked to have her picture taken with every guy we walked by.
I have to date her. We need a place to stay when we go tailgating.
She almost killed me. The shot she handed me had tacks in it. Wtf?!
It's cool, I power napped on the dryer while they were fucking in the bathroom so I'm good to go now. Where are you?
I didn't know what happened last night until the bruises in the shape of hands showed up on my boobs. Then it all made sense.
I used the hope and guess method to figure out who I slept with last night.
The only thing that got rode last night was the shit face train. I brought him home to see wht all the hype was about and he just started crying and puking in my bathroom.
He left a fire sauce packet from taco bell that said "promise you'll text me in the morning" on my nightstand.
I smell like cotton candy and guilt.
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