Did you call me this morning? I was really drugged up and don't remember.
Have a good day. My vagina shrank.
My grandma put hard boiled eggs on her lasagna. I'm not high enough for this.
Stripper pole. Sore legs. More vaca money.
I wish my brain had a "congrats you just defeated the munchies" notification!
which guy lost his keys in my bed this weekend?
Just found the last picture of me as a virgin. Framed it.
well they never fully had sex so she's like an eskimo step-sister. I'll make a family tree for you.
I had her buy me a cock ring, so we might test that out. We are presently playing yahtzee.
Cock rings and yahtzee. Like peanut butter and jelly.
i was so high i thought the horse on my poster was running
you ran up to the police and said "fuck the police shit we living in hell ". Then you dropped your Margarita and said "Darby Out" lol
Between the deep breathing and nipple piercings , I thought I was in the twilight zone
you are the root of all my greats nights and my worsts decisions
Over Bumbled last night. I think I set my dog up on a date Sunday afternoon. I have to drive him, meet the other dog’s dad and secretly drink a bottle of champagne from a “water bottle”. This is not what I expected 30 to be like.
dude you pointed at my dad's crotch and said I'd tap that. I didn't even know you were gay.
I love how when he said ecstasy pills both of our heads whipped around like a couple of horned owls.
Randomize
