smell like capt'n and strawberry champagne
Are you dead or are you taking another 13 hour nap? you need to let me know these things ahead of time so i dont worry.
She drove all the way from Austin to have sex with me. I think it's a safe assumption my dick will have an easy life in college.
The only funny part about this situation was this morning when they rounded up all the drunks in the ER, piled us into a minivan, then dropped us all off at our houses.
Hey. Me and my buddy are drunk. you wanna give us tattoos of the hawaiian punch guy we shall pay very well. Seriously dude. no bull shit.
we got kicked out of McDonald's because you kept screaming THAT SHIT CRAY at the woman in front of us because she ordered a fish filet.
...that shit cray.
you peed off the balcony at your sisters and asked someone below to catch it with a cup
Turns out the old man beside me in the waiting room was dead, but other then that it was a good day.
Just realized I'm going to have to make you sign a non-disclosure agreement before my wedding.
Know what's awkward? Having a couple of moving guys watch while you detach the bondage cuffs from your bedframe, that's what.
PS: bike ride of shame at 7am includes riding by kids waiting for the school bus #classy
Ive decided to see your threat against my life as you flirting
If its not for food we ain't going out.
WHERE THE FUCK AM I? AND WHO PUT DUCK TAPE ON MY NIPPLES! MY NIPPLES!!!!!!
Wait til you see what we did to Dave. Hairy bastard will never be the same
She pulled out a water gun filled with vodka and called it her weapon of choice tonight. She's fine.
Randomize
