She told me she only masterbates to Kenny Rogers songs.
OMG. What did u say?
I told her I did too.
i stole $50 bucks from my girlfriends purse to pay for my other girls abortion pill...shes gonna be pissed
I'm too hungover for some lady to talk to me about potatoes
her last google searches are 'cheap african safari' and 'what does lion taste like'
We have to talk through the words with friends chat so his gf won't find out
the girl in my class has a rolling backpack and just told it to stay. im too hungover for this.
Dude I walked in to my house just to be handed a bottle of vodka by my sister. She then said i had 15 minutes to finish it. Moving into my parents place is the best choice I have made this year.
He asked me when I was coming to bed while simultaneously drilling a fart into the mattress. Don't fucking get married.
HOLY SHIT. I JUST FOUND OUT THAT THE KARL/RORY BASEBALL FIGHT THAT RORY LOST WAS 2 YEARS AGO TODAY. RIP KARL'S DICK.
I'm prostituting myself for tickets to Disney World. There's a contradiction there.
He's tiny, but ripped. Like a stacked hobbit. He's going to pull our sexy, crime-fighting rickshaw.
I'm here. Help me get the salsa and bong inside.
She fucked the dishwasher AND the manager.
Well, she isn't a classist. You've got to give her that.
Every text my dad sends me is an AA mantra. Might be time to take a look at my life.
if having to see my ex’s dick once in a while is the price I pay to the universe for making my life go a little smoother, I’ll take it
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